All of this happened too fast. One day I was on top of the world, the next I couldn’t distinguish my ups from my downs.
I feel so lost, a stranger in my own world, looking from the outside in as the world passes me by. How did this happen? How did I end up so fragile and disconnected from who I was pre-ordained to be. Who I was before the foundations of the universe seems like a mystery, a dream I vividly remember but can never see again….now facing a brutal reality. This feeling becomes too paralytic for me, so I decide I wouldn’t feel anything at all. I Numb my heart to dull the pain, I don’t want to feel the cold of today nor tomorrow.
Today was yesterday, yesterday became last week, last week turned into months, and now this is just who life made me…soft on the outside, hard on the inside; too tough to feel. This works perfectly for me. Some may call it a defense mechanism, call it what you will but this is my distress to live.
Just one thing. One thing I can no longer escape and it’s becoming harder to discard. Something is chasing me, begging me to surrender. I’m tired of living like this, tired of feeling on the verge of a breakthrough, breakdown, tired the uncertainty in between.
The refusal to feel the way I felt years ago, it is the reason I live in this mind-made cave, this somber place. But I just keep hearing this spontaneous whisper, this sweet voice, telling me to blossom. To thrive. To live. To surrender. I can’t escape it, everywhere I go, everywhere I turn, I hear this voice telling me to turn to Him. Where do I begin? I have some of the darkest, ugliest misfortunes; truths so ugly they blind me to think of.
These aren’t lies someone told on me, this is really is me, things I said, lies I spoke to my inner-man; but I’m hungry for the voice that is calling my name. My soul internally sweating blood bullets, exhausted from running on heartbroken. I have nowhere to go, I’m in need of a touch, a reminder, a fresh wind, a revival. I don’t remember why I’m here, I can’t comprehend why you kept me instead of them but I wish to find out.
God if you can hear this small broken voice among the thousands of strong and mighty, hear me from my heart shouting: ‘I’m ready”. I can’t help what I did, can’t help who I hurt, I just want to live again. If it’s true what these people say, that we are precious in your sight, in spite of the wrong and the past, I want to see myself through Your eyes. I want to get so lost in You, I desire to find the person You intended me to be. I feel like everyone around me is a part of something bigger, something greater than me and You are the only common denominator. It’s time for me to make a change, time for me to give it my all. I’m ready to lay my life down, more of You, less of me.
There’s not a life that isn’t worth the sacrifice of the blood shed on Calvary. There is no past too dark, no secret too dirty that He will turn his back on you. When you feel the most alone, the most afraid, He is there. The one constant in a world promised to change. You’re not too far that His love can’t reach you. When you’re ready, open your mouth, make your request known to Him. He who is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all that you may ask or think. It’s time to get your life right… time to let go of the things that hurt you, the pain you caused yourself, the things that numbed you, time for you to find your purpose. Find the God who gave you life and gives you grace. I don’t know where you are in your life, what keeps you from surrendering but know that God is calling for you. He will meet you where you are, and take you where you need to be but you have to answer the call. Make the decision to start your life anew. God has used more broken, more scared, more torn, what are you waiting for? He can’t save you until you call for help… and the time is now.