I didn’t know that I could love someone as much as I love you. I didn’t realize my heart had the capacity to feel this much but, as I sat there watching your face grimace, I hated that I couldn’t take your pain away. I looked at your face, finding pieces of myself but pieces weren’t enough, I wanted to move inside of your skin, take on your every burden. Tears pooled in my eyes as I watched, helpless, praying for the right words to ease just a bit of your pain. I felt like Superman, stuck in a jammed phone booth, while watching the world fall apart…If only I could save you. If only love was enough.
No longer able to hold back the water in my eyes a steady stream flowed down my face. Each tear pleading with God, please just let it be me. I wish I could love the pain away, I wish I could hug you so warmly it steals the chill out of this moment. I wish you didn’t have to go through this but, sometimes the only way to heal fully is to first hurt deeply. Life-saving surgeries requires cuts in our most delicate places. Even with all of those things said in the stillness of the room I still whisper a prayer, “God let it be over. No more weeping, let it be morning..”
Have you ever loved someone so much that you wanted to bear the weight of their world? I want to keep you in the safety of my heart so that harm will never find you, pain will never know you, and grief never whispers its name in your ear. I wish I could shield you from the dangers of this world, wish you never had to learn anything the hard way. I wanted to protect the light in you that had guided you this far. The storms of life come with violent winds and unbearable rain but our faith is the candle that illuminates our path. We keep pressing, and pushing, and thriving. I found myself determined to shield the flame inside of you, decreeing and declaring that it will never flicker nor fade.
If you’ve ever wanted to leap out of your skin and into the pain-filled shoes of the one you love then you understand my heart when I say those who have to witness your struggle experience their own too. At some particular points, life gives us a opportunity to be on both sides, both a star and an extra on the stage of pain…
When you are bearing the pain you have very little time to think about the effect it has on another, all you can focus on is survival. I scanned the eyes in the room and realized there wasn’t one person in the room whom I wouldn’t bear agony for…Love is the essence in you that would rather endure pain than watch someone you love bear it on their own.
I ponder if this is how God feels watching us make decisions that pain Him…. I think about my own struggles, the times in my life when God had to cut things away, and I know that regardless of how I was hurt (self inflicted or world afflicted) I may have to be cut even deeper if I ever wanted to be healed.
I found God in the midst of my trials, found Him while I witnessed your pain, and His sentiments were the same…. “Trust me…”. Incapable of fixing the pain that surrounded me or the trouble that existed inside of me, I handcuffed myself to my faith. Sometimes you have to cup your hand around your flicker of faith, so life’s storms don’t blow it out. Job 5:18 said it best “For He inflicts pain, and gives relief; He wounds, and His hands also heal.”
This is for anyone who is watching someone you love in pain. Whether they are hurting themselves or God has cut them open so He could heal them, trust that He does nothing in vain. Even in grief there is a lesson. I will cry these silent tears but I will not wipe them from my face, I will witness every setback and every victory, I will stand by you in life’s hardest times.
I know that there will be a day where you lose your way and get lost in all that you still have to accomplish and I will be your eyewitness, reminding you of how far you’ve come, how strong you are, how much courage lives inside of you and how I watched you evict fear from your heart time after time. They say the first cut is the deepest because there are some things you go through in life, that, once healed you’ll never have to face again. But in all and through all, I trust Him to carry you through.
Dear God help us to see that instead of whispering sometimes we need to just observe. We need to see Your light shine in the darkest times of other people’s lives. Help us to learn from their lessons, so that we may rest in the fact that if they made it, we can too. Help us be strong enough to recognize our limitations and know that we cannot help someone until You have prepared their heart for us to come in. Give us wisdom so we use a person’s history to remind them where they came from and who they can be, not to curse their tomorrow. Help those in pain remember that the first cut is the deepest; and the rest, will be celebratory history.