She is made of beautiful flowers and unreasonable questions; she drinks the sky in her morning coffee while curiosity holds her hand. Sun dresses and over sized cardigans breathe most comfortable against her skin. Her lips are too sensitive when time calls to be bold, but much too opinionated in the rooms that should wear silence. She’s been told that the sun colors the night of her hair and people often tell her she wears a black ocean in her eyes.
All of this happened too fast. One day I was on top of the world, the next I couldn’t distinguish my ups from my downs.
I feel so lost, a stranger in my own world, looking from the outside in as the world passes me by. How did this happen? How did I end up so fragile and disconnected from who I was pre-ordained to be. Who I was before the foundations of the universe seems like a mystery, a dream I vividly remember but can never see again….now facing a brutal reality. This feeling becomes too paralytic for me, so I decide I wouldn’t feel anything at all. I Numb my heart to dull the pain, I don’t want to feel the cold of today nor tomorrow.
Today was yesterday, yesterday became last week, last week turned into months, and now this is just who life made me…soft on the outside, hard on the inside; too tough to feel. This works perfectly for me. Some may call it a defense mechanism, call it what you will but this is my distress to live.
Just one thing. One thing I can no longer escape and it’s becoming harder to discard. Something is chasing me, begging me to surrender. I’m tired of living like this, tired of feeling on the verge of a breakthrough, breakdown, tired the uncertainty in between.
The refusal to feel the way I felt years ago, it is the reason I live in this mind-made cave, this somber place. But I just keep hearing this spontaneous whisper, this sweet voice, telling me to blossom. To thrive. To live. To surrender. I can’t escape it, everywhere I go, everywhere I turn, I hear this voice telling me to turn to Him. Where do I begin? I have some of the darkest, ugliest misfortunes; truths so ugly they blind me to think of.
These aren’t lies someone told on me, this is really is me, things I said, lies I spoke to my inner-man; but I’m hungry for the voice that is calling my name. My soul internally sweating blood bullets, exhausted from running on heartbroken. I have nowhere to go, I’m in need of a touch, a reminder, a fresh wind, a revival. I don’t remember why I’m here, I can’t comprehend why you kept me instead of them but I wish to find out.
God if you can hear this small broken voice among the thousands of strong and mighty, hear me from my heart shouting: ‘I’m ready”. I can’t help what I did, can’t help who I hurt, I just want to live again. If it’s true what these people say, that we are precious in your sight, in spite of the wrong and the past, I want to see myself through Your eyes. I want to get so lost in You, I desire to find the person You intended me to be. I feel like everyone around me is a part of something bigger, something greater than me and You are the only common denominator. It’s time for me to make a change, time for me to give it my all. I’m ready to lay my life down, more of You, less of me.
There’s not a life that isn’t worth the sacrifice of the blood shed on Calvary. There is no past too dark, no secret too dirty that He will turn his back on you. When you feel the most alone, the most afraid, He is there. The one constant in a world promised to change. You’re not too far that His love can’t reach you. When you’re ready, open your mouth, make your request known to Him. He who is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all that you may ask or think. It’s time to get your life right… time to let go of the things that hurt you, the pain you caused yourself, the things that numbed you, time for you to find your purpose. Find the God who gave you life and gives you grace. I don’t know where you are in your life, what keeps you from surrendering but know that God is calling for you. He will meet you where you are, and take you where you need to be but you have to answer the call. Make the decision to start your life anew. God has used more broken, more scared, more torn, what are you waiting for? He can’t save you until you call for help… and the time is now.
An attitude of gratitude,
is content in every way
it knows material wealth
only brings spiritual decay.
It sees worldly things,
cannot really satisfy
nor can they fill the void
or the emptiness inside.
No matter how it feels,
it never acts hard pressed
it may feel down and out
but never truly stressed.
An attitude of gratitude,
knows God’s in control
it finds true contentment
and joy fills its very soul.
It can be hungry,
but not have hunger’s pain
it may be thirsty
but never feels the strain.
It wants to share,
with everyone that it can
the Good News it has found
in God’s eternal plan.
An attitude of gratitude,
is an act of faith with grace
you’ll know the ones who have it
by the smiles on their face!
2 Corinthians 4:8-10
King James Version
“We are troubled on every side,
yet not distressed; we…
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It all happened one Sunday afternoon. I had no true explanation of how I felt but simply put, I was just fed up. Tired of the day-to-day motions. The mediocrity of life. I felt like I was going into a deep abyss of pure normalcy. When I do create anything, I not only set out for it to be prolific but equally impactful. I could no longer examine the impact I had on souls. I wanted to get out of this rut.. desperately; so I decided to fast or what we call in the Digital Engagement world, “disconnect”. For a couple of weeks, I wanted to move away from any form of social media, television, senseless music, ANY distraction I had made apart of my everyday life. In place of these voids I reconnected with the lover of my soul. I went back to the threshing floor and learned how to worship God the way He initially intended me to. I studied, I prayed, I traveled and explored some amazing places, I wrote (Chapters of thoughts, Essays, poems, proses…)..I picked up my bible as well as a couple of old fashioned books and dove in. In order to find myself, the very essence of my being, I intentionally chose to seek my creator for my whole existence is buried in Him. I had a goal in mind and I needed a strategy to get there. Lead by the Spirit, I pinpointed areas that I believed were the makings of a more balanced life in Christ on earth.
My Vocation: Noticed I didn’t say profession. Anyone can have a profession and it can change at any moment with the evolution of society, the acquiring of another skill set or just the desire to change. A vocation on the other hand is what I believe is your calling. Your mission statement for life (and it would behoove you to create one if you don’t have one already) is an idea and your vocation is the action that brings that idea into fruition. I know that my mission, my purpose in life, is to be of philanthropic service to others. Asides from the music ministry, aside from the writing ministry, aside from the oh so many God-given gifts and talents, I do have a true affinity in reaching out to humanity. I can’t resist this pure euphoric feeling of self worth every time I bless someone … So I asked God to increase my capacity so that I can give to others.
…and so I prayed.
My Relationships: These encounters are what make life beautiful. To truly love someone else, to feel compassion or sympathy… that emotional connection is Jesus’ DNA manifested in us. Every relationship has a lesson to be learned no matter how grand or small it may be. They are living moments in the fact that they are ever advancing. If those relationships aren’t growing then that season is simply over. So I asked God to enhance my relationships and to surround me with those who will challenge me to be better in all aspects of life so I can in turn do the same for them.
…and so I sent “roses” to my loved ones and I prayed.
The Body: Getting the temple back in shape; From the inside out, crown to soles. I want to live long and see the fruits of my labor. I want to retire. I want to travel the world and impact souls. I want to one day relocate to the motherland after establishing a groundbreaking entrepreneurial empire… I still want to be a teacher in my old age and tell tales of how reckless I once was as a young woman with the world as her playground. I want a legacy so I can see a reflection of myself and know that I will live forever once I leave this place. So I asked God to be my Source of strength to move on even on the days when I don’t feel like it. I can’t do this unless I have a healthier lifestyle. Keeping the scripture, “faith without works is dead…” in mind
…I started implementing healthier habits throughout my day, exercising, rebuking the sweets and nutella addiction… and I prayed.
The Mind: Not being arrogant but I have always been a quick learner. Curious about everything. There is nothing I cannot learn. My thirst for knowledge varies over a wide range of topics and I love to be challenged intellectually. You want to capture my attention? Cause me to think and you have me at the palm of your hand. I remember reading “Jesus, CEO” and “Who Switched Off My Brain” in three days. Both literary works that causes the reader to think. It dawned on me that it’s not what you read but how you interpret it and your understanding of that information that reflects your degree of intelligence. In order for me to reach the goals and aspirations I have set in my heart and mind, I have to alter my thinking. So I asked God to broaden my understanding and align my mind with His will.
…and so I read my Word and I prayed.
Today, the Spirit. I am an (ex)sinner (ex because now redeemed by the power of the cross and Christ’s atonement lavished upon me) entirely saved by grace. I do want you to realize that this whole trimester was dedicated to building a stronger relationship with JESUS and to move away from legalism, away from routine, away from the things that were stunting my growth in the prophetic realm of the Spirit. I am a visionary that deeply desired a new experience because I constantly crave for more out of this mission called life. I had to change my desires and my perspective from what was surrounding me to what was above me. Knowing that there is something greater ahead of me is motivating but also knowing what I am living for makes all unnecessary concern cease. I am a constant work in progress but I know what to change and how to do it. So I asked God to continue empower me and strengthen the core of my inner-man through His Spirit. To remain by side and let His influence in me be influential to others…
…and I am praying.
I’ve wondered many times why it is through our greatest pain that we can be redeemed by that which we think has caused it… Love.
In essence, I believe it characterizes contradiction. It’s profound and yet simple. An unpretentious complexity. Intense passion deeply rooted in sincere greetings of lips, gentle interlocking of hands and unspoken confessions.
I can truly say that I am a Lover. My very existence depends on my ability to love. I was created through love and it is through love that I live, content and satisfied. Love will see me through to grey hair, wrinkles and wonder years. It will overlook the imperfections of the one my heart chooses and create beautiful legacies. The reflections of my creativity produced by love will inspire the world and live forever even when I retire. I am totally enthralled, not by the ideology of it… but by it’s action. When I say that “I love you” the doubt from previous experience can have no reign over the confirmation my day to day action illustrates of how much of what I say is true.
I believe in order to love fully you must never try to understand it. For it is when we attempt to confine what it is to us through our comprehension, we limit it to our experience… and love has no regard for time. So…
Where pain and worries are nonexistent
Only a God-given serenity remains
While in my state of placidity
I Watch in awe as nature work her wonders
I see the trees dancing to the wind’s soft, sweet song
A host of birds announcing the end of a wondrous day
An array of brightly colored flowers
Flaunt their beauty to the world
The pillow- like clouds, like sheep, graze in a blue meadow
And hide the seemingly chatty but shy sun
And as I experience this beautiful setting
A gentle breeze whispers to me
“Time to go”
How the serenity of nature fills my soul with peace..
( 07/28/13, Guadalajara, Mex)